Back in my 20s and early 30s, when Friday rolled around I was fucking pumped. I’d have my cutest outfit on at the office and strut out to the nearest pregame or happy hour ready to take on the weekend with friends. Nothing stopped me from having a blast, getting shitface, and working the room. I loved the attention, talking to people, and being seen.
At 49, I don’t even know that person.
Here we are on a Friday and all I can think about is going to my therapy appointment and wishing I didn’t have social commitments both Friday and Saturday night. I don’t want to work in a room. I don’t want to catch up with people, I want to cuddle up in my cocoon. I feel safe there.
I wonder if it’s just that I’m so emotionally sensitive these days that if I stay in my cocoon, no more damage can be done. I feel like I’m constantly worrying about the unknown while unpacking and dissecting things that have happened that I cannot change.
My social anxiety went full bloom after COVID-19. Between being in a new relationship and my physical appearance changing, there’s been a steady bombardment of attention, both good and bad. People expect the same person I was years ago, all bubbly and social, and it’s so hard for me to detach from my thoughts and be that person.
It doesn’t put off a good vibe either.
And I hate that.
disbih is intimidating.
The worst part, I’m perceived as intimidating. Part of me struggles with letting new people in my life (ugh my favorite saying is “I’ll keep her at arms distance”). Another part of me feels like if you look long enough, you will see thru me.
Anyways, have a good weekend.