“What is that a bug bite on your neck?” – my boss back in 2008.
Um yeah. (no it’s not).
“Stop biting and picking the skin next to your thumbs” – my manicurist, every time.
OK.
I’m coming clean, ever since I can remember, I have had the terrible habit of picking, popping, and obsessing over the slightest raise in my skin. This is something I’ve never been able to stop. Sometimes I don’t even realize I’m doing it, even when I *think* my mind is at ease. I’m doing it now between keystrokes.
In the morning I wake up, go deep in the 10x light-up magnifying mirror, and inspect my skin. What can I extract, even better, does it require a tool? Before I go to bed, I continue to extract and perhaps do more damage to my skin during my beauty routine. During the day, driving, on Zoom calls, speaking with people, any time… I’m hyperfocused on my most recent spot. Lately, it’s been my neck and behind my ears, like on my hairline. It’s hidden, but I feel it, a few tiny bumps that I have continuously rubbed and scratched. I’m fairly confident it’s part of my dissociation rituals as well.
I’ve learned to hide these better rather than having a huge one on my neck for months, or even worse, my face. What I haven’t learned is how to calm this compulsive behavior. My husband started to notice it, and I get annoyed when he says something about it. Even worse, I see my son doing it… and he gets annoyed when I say something about it.
It’s a behavior I recognized early on in my life, yet I found pleasure in it. But, I get no pleasure in seeing my son do it. And it breaks my heart, as I rub my neck, that this is something I could have stopped and instead, I have passed down. It’s a terrible aspect of anxiety that could have been avoided.
disbih gotta break the destructive cycle, one way or another.