Every Tuesday I’m out of the house by 6 am for a 6:30 am pilates class and then in the office by 8:30 am. Yes, I shower before pilates. Yes after class I sit in my car for 15 minutes to change my clothes and put makeup on before I head to the office. Yes, it’s a long day, but somehow I find the motivation to go every week. It’s a great class. By the time I got home from work yesterday and did minimal chores, I was exhausted. I had no energy to cook dinner, I had little interest in receiving affection from my husband (in my defense I did rub his feet in bed), the TV was on with background noise and I was flipping between Candy Crush and TikTok – I was escaping.
I was exhausted, yet I was up until 1:30 am. This morning I woke up to an IG quote, y’all ready for this?
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1,2,3,4, disbih declares war… on herself.
Through therapy, I have learned that my coping mechanisms (TV binging, Candy Crush) are my way of escaping. I justify my Bravo addiction for the love of other people’s drama and not my own. While these are my lands of safety, do they add to the clutter cloud in my head?
At any given moment, my head is racing with layers of thoughts. And if I don’t entertain each thought, they get louder.
I worry
I problem-solve
I replay events in my head
I make plans, lists
I attempt to push positivity in my head. It never helps because when I try to solve by “doing the right thing” someone is affected negatively. So what happens? The people pleaser in me would rather sacrifice my own happiness for others, but even then someone is negatively affected….
…squirrel. The radical changes and thought gear shifts seem to kick up to turbo speed when I’m exhausted. Like “haha fucker, you ain’t sleeping, let’s rethink that email you sent 9 hours ago and your car is due for servicing”.
My husband (and therapist) told me that worrying about things that haven’t happened creates the outcome I’m trying to avoid. It’s like some fucked up manifestation. They both recommended I stop worrying about things that haven’t happened yet.
Ok, how?